Reality Break

"Melinda, you just finished your 4th chemo, what are your plans now?"
"I'm going to Disney World!"

Literally, we are going this weekend. Since John is already in Orlando for the PGA Show, the girls and I are going to join him for the long MLK weekend. He drove down on Tuesday, we're flying one way on Friday, then we'll all drive back together on Monday (insert eye roll here). We have plans to go to the Magic Kingdom on Sunday. The weather is supposed to be good for that day, just chilly. We are all so excited! None of us has ever been to Disney World, so we've all turned into giddy, bouncy balls of excitement! And I didn't think my kids could get any bouncier!

I know most people plan trips to Disney months, even years, in advance. Well, we planned everything last weekend. The chemo nurses okayed my next treatment for the week we get back, so we rushed around and made all the arrangements as best we could. It won't be an extravagant trip (I actually pre-bought "souvenirs" at Target to save money), but it will be fun. A nice break from reality for all of us. We need it!

It's funny to see it snowing and sleeting tonight knowing that we will be in 70 degree weather this weekend! I took some photos of the girls tonight playing in the snow. Rachel Rose got to make her very first snowball, she was so happy. And Caroline would've stayed out until she was frostbitten if I hadn't forced them inside. But I had to let them play, it's been so long since we've had such a pretty snow! Hope y'all got a chance to enjoy it!

Back from the doctor

Good visit today! The opening in my incision is okay to leave alone (thank you, Lord, it does not need packing!). He says it has reopened from the chemo. Basically, the chemo never allowed it to heal completely and it has weakened the skin over it. It's not bleeding or oozing too bad, so he says it's okay to leave it alone and let it try and reclose on its own. Of course if it starts showing signs of infection, I'll have to deal with it. But for now, I can just walk around like normal with a quarter-size hole in my belly. Okey-dokey! He mentioned again another surgery once chemo is done to redo my scar. The first time he mentioned this I laughed at him - No Way, was I going under the knife ever, ever, ever again! But now I'm thinking I need some work done on it so that it can heal properly. The opening will probably leave a hollow place even if it does heal closed, and the hard knot on the right is beginning to be painful again. He says he can take all that out by cutting a long ellipse around the scar line and pulling it closed. Almost a mini tummy-tuck (Woooo Hoooo!). Then without chemo interfering, it should heal like it should. I've never had a nice scar. Even after my c-section/hysterectomy with Caroline, it took forever to close up good. I lived with that ugly scar for 6 years. And now I've got this monstrosity. I remember at the pool last year, there was a lady who was newly pregnant and just beginning to get a little bulge. She was wearing a bikini and I noticed a very, very thin pale line across the top of her bikini bottom. It took me a while to realize this was her c-section scar from a previous pregnancy. It was beautiful!!! I wanted one like that soooo bad! So, yes, I am considering scar revision surgery in a few months. If you think I'm crazy, just ask and I'll post pictures of my scar now on my blog and you'll agree with me (after you finish gagging!).

The dr read my lab results and decided all of my counts were a little too low. He ordered me a shot of Procrit (red blood cell booster) today which hopefully will give me a little more energy. I've been wondering why I've been more tired than usual the past few days, so it makes sense that I'm a little anemic. I also had more labs drawn and my platelets have not come up enough for me to get chemo tomorrow. We'll try again on Sunday. He said it's not as big a deal for me to be delayed a week or two as it is for someone who is stage 2 or 3, since my chemo is only prophylactic (preventive). The problem is, John is leaving for the PGA show in Orlando on Tuesday and I DEPEND on him on my post-chemo/misery-filled/one step from the grave/shoot me now/yucky days. I'm considering asking if I can hold off on the treatment until he gets back, and actually maybe taking the girls down for the long weekend. Is that bad? It would be 12 days of a delay if I do this. As much as I want to get this over with, I don't know what I will do with John out of town. We'll see what the chemo nurses have to say . . .

Let's see, not much else to report from me. Mom has begun a new chemo, Gemzar. She had her first dose on Monday and has been having terrible migraines and dizziness. She's actually spending the night with us tonight for safety reasons. We're hoping she develops a tolerance for it and this is just an initial reaction. If so, she'll get it every Monday for 3 weeks, then one week off. Her hair is coming back and should regrow with this new treatment. She's worried that it's coming in too gray . . . better watch out, she'll be red before we know it!!

A few hot topics -

So here's the conversation I overheard the other day . . .

Rachel Rose: "Daddy, how tall are you?"
John: "Oh, about six feet."
Rachel Rose: "Noooo, you just got two like me!"
I look over and she's holding her feet up to him. Guess she set him straight, he's actually 5'11" and 3/4! ;-)

So, what's new with me? Here's a few hot topics -

• John got a new car! Yipppeee! Ding, dong, the Taurus is gone, the wicked Taurus is gone!! He actually was able to get a brand new Corolla. His very first brand new car. It's beautiful - pale silver and soooooo clean! We'll see how long that will last. For now, the girls have to pass inspection before they can enter it! We are so happy to have it because it's going to get so much better gas mileage than the Taurus which is huge with him traveling back and forth to NC. And the Taurus was in need of some major repairs . . . good riddance (I never liked that car).
• The girls are finally back in school. Forsyth got a really long break this year and it actually got to be too long. Caro and RR did play very well together with all their new toys, but they finally reached their limit. Amazing how fast new toys become boring . . . they should include a shelf life on the box. Probably, though, the cold weather had a lot to do with the boredom. They got new bikes and would've spent time riding them, but it was just too too too cold!
• My birthday is tomorrow! 38! We've made a tradition of wearing my tiara from Miss NGC on our birthdays (well, John is excused from it). I wonder how it will look on my bald head . . . Ha! Ha! I'm laughing just envisioning it!!! I could wear one of my new wigs and the tiara. Thanks to my Friends Fund that so many of you contributed to, I was able to buy two new wigs - one short and brown, like a pixie cut and the other RED! I love the red one and actually wear it to school when I sub. Thank you all so much for your amazing generosity!
• My platelets are low. After my blood draw this morning I got a call from the chemo nurses saying that they were at 47 and they have to be over 100 before I can have my treatment. So, it looks like I won't have my 5th treatment on Thursday as planned. Hopefully, I can get it on Friday. I'll have another blood draw to check and see. Unfortunately, there is no medicine or shot they can give to boost platelets. Just gotta let your body do it on its own. If they get too low, they can give you a transfusion. That's what Mom had to do with her first chemo back in 2001. I would like to avoid that if at all possible - I've had enough transfusions, thank you! (39 when I hemorrhaged with Caroline's birth)
• Oh, yeah - my incision drama has begun again! (Warning - graphic content alert!) The other day as I was drying off after a bath, I noticed that I must've rubbed too hard because a small spot on it had split open and begun to bleed. It wasn't deep just the surface skin, but it is draining/bleeding some still. I've also got a small area about 4 inches away that has begun to hurt. Maybe it's all the same thing, but the nerves are cross-wired. I have an appointment to see the dr on Thursday. We'll see what he has to say about this. If he mentions the word, 'packing', I'm running out of there as fast as I can. I've done my time with this darn incision, I don't want any more grief over it. I just can't believe it has done this - it has been 4 months since my surgery!!! I had no idea the incision could reopen like this. Although this spot was the last to heal and it never seemed to smooth over like the rest, it has always been red and puffy. Gosh, my scar is so hideous - crooked, sunken, bumpy, red and purple. I need an extreme makeover!
  

So that's about it for my latest news. The hormone issue seems to be resolved at the moment. Cross your fingers for me! Hope all is well with all of you!

Happy New Year 2008!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and is enjoying this new start of a new year! Our Christmas was great! The girls were lavished with toys from Santa, a little too much if you ask me! But that's Santa, for you, always overdoing it! My chemo treatment was the Thursday before Christmas and I had a Neulasta shot on the Friday. I wish I could say that the worst was over by Christmas morning . . . but not so much. The nausea this time was bad. I tried some anti-nauseau medicines, but they did not really work. John finally bought me some lemons and that seemed to do the trick. I thought I was better on Christmas Eve and got the girls together to bake cookies and wrap some presents. Then, maybe it was the craziness of "helping" Santa until 2am in the morning that broke me down. On Christmas Day, sometime in the early afternoon, I began having my menopause symptoms again - hot flashes, sweats, itchiness, irritability (baaaaadddd!), random teariness. I felt like my body was a torture chamber. I made it through dinner with Mom and Jan and the whole fam' and the present opening chaos. Then by bedtime, I was aching everywhere. I decided to change my hormone medicines back to my orginal one. Immediately, the heat left me and I slept pretty decently. I don't really like this original HRT all that well. It's called the CombiPatch and it's a patch of estrogen and progesterone. I tried it right after my surgery and it worked for a while, then I started having night sweats with it, so they changed me to good ole Premarin and Provera, the old standby's in hormone replacement therapy. They were working great and I still don't understand why they stopped working at Christmas. Maybe the hustle and bustle was too much. Who knows! Anyway, I called the dr to see what else I could try and she said she could up my dose of Premarin, but if that doesn't work then I'll need to see a specialist in hormone replacement therapy. And I thought my dr. WAS a specialist, but apparently not! They just gut you and take away the hormones then send you on your way - See ya! Buh-bye! Here's a complimentary fan!!! I'm going to give it a month and if I still don't feel the way I want to, then I'll go for the specialist. Right now, the main issue I'm having is itchiness. It's in my hands and feet mostly, but goes to my legs and arms. It's hard to describe the sensation since it's not so much a surface skin itch that lotion or Benadryl cream could fix. It's more of a circulatory or nerve thing - tingly, stinging, deep underneath the skin. I usually just scratch and rub until it stops. Mom and I were talking about how with her cancer, she is having to get used to a new "normal" for her. Her body is not the same as it was before cancer, even though her mind is. She is having to change her entire mindset and accept what her body can and can't do. Pretty tough for a busy lady like my mom. But the same thing applies to me. My body no longer has hormones, but my mind remembers what I felt like with hormones. I've got to accept that I will never feel the same as I did before surgery and I will have to get used to some discomforts now and then. Yeah, easier said than done!!! Mentally, I'm beginning to imagine life after chemo - my hair growing back, no more needle sticks, no more nausea, energy, energy, energy - but life after hysterectomy doesn't excite me quite as much! For those of you taking hormones or going it cold turkey, I would love to hear what worked for you. Once this chemo is done, that's my next goal - getting as close to my old "normal" as possible! By the way, I have two more treatments, Jan. 10 (one day after my 38th birthday!) and most likely, Jan. 31. I hope to start February with chemo completely behind me! I pray, Please God!

#4 over and done with!

It's been a while since I've posted. I was been busy wrapping up Christmas shopping before my next treatment. Thankfully, I got it all done and had my treatment yesterday. #4 over and done with! It went pretty well. I was able to relax and rest for most of the time and read a couple magazines. I had some cold symptoms, so I think the Benadryl all went towards drying up my nose instead of giving me the jitters. Just a little "antsy legs" was all. There was a lady there who was having the same meds as me and she was on her 6th and last treatment. She had an orange tiger stuffed animal in her chair that the nurses let people keep with them during their last treatment. Two more times and the tiger is mine!!!

I'll be getting the neulasta shot after each treatment from now on to keep my counts from falling. I got it today and it still stings like a bugger!! My fingers and feet are also getting more and more numb. The nurse said it was normal and should get better once I stop treatment. But it's very annoying.

I'm feeling pretty crummy already. After my treatment on Thursday, we went to see Santa at the Mall of Georgia. Then we went to the food court for dinner. I saw the chinese place and it looked really good so I got a huge plate full of sesame chicken and rice. Big mistake! The msg and seasonings were all it took for the chemo sickness to kick in. I haven't fully gotten rid of the nausea yet! I took an anti-nausea pill today, Phenergen, and slept ALL day long. I woke up only long enough to go to Caroline's Christmas party at school then the dr's for the shot. Then home and back to sleep. I'm finally awake now and it's after 11pm. But I doubt I'll stay up long. It's so much better to be asleep and not feel the nausea and ickiness! I just hope I'm feeling better by Christmas. I know the pattern now and it should ease up after a couple days. Maybe just a bad weekend is all I'm in for, then Christmas Eve I'll get that rebound effect and be back to myself. Thank goodness we are ready for Santa Claus! Smartest thing I ever did was getting my shopping done early!

This year we'll be staying home on Christmas Day. Normally we get together with my mom's side of the family for the crazy "Bannister Christmas!" But with me and mom both going through chemo and not having the same stamina, we decided it would be best to skip it. It really makes me sad, this is the first Christmas EVER that we won't get to experience the chaos! But I just think staying up late on Christmas Eve to "help" Santa, then getting up early with the girls, opening presents and having Jan and her family come over in the afternoon . . . I will probaby be miserable by evening anyway. Heck, I can't even climb the stairs without panting and I've started taking baths instead of showers so I can lie down! And mom can only last a couple hours per outing. Shopping has been a challenge for her because she gives out way before she's done. Gosh, I remember when we used to have shopping marathons - we'd get out early and go to a few stores, have lunch, go to a few more, have dinner, then more stores, and finally have a late dessert before crashing at home! It's been a tradition to be in a store, any store, at closing on Christmas Eve! It really makes me hate the big "C" all that much more for ruining our traditions and all our fun!

So I'm going to wish everyone "Merry Health!" this Christmas! And a "Healthy New Year!" I sure hope 2008 turns out to be a lot better!!!

Ahh, ahhh, ahhhh!

Can you hear the angels singing? Because I sure can! The clouds have parted, the sun is shining, I FEEL BETTER!!! It's amazing how the chemo can make you feel one step away from the grave on one day, and back to full energy the next. I should know by now that this is the pattern. But, I tell you, those bad days are soooo bad, it's hard to remember that you'll EVER feel good again.

Maybe it's because I had a long talk with God last night about giving me endurance to get though this. Maybe He figured I had hit my limit and took it all away during the night. Or, maybe He heard some of your prayers for me and gave me a break. If so, then THANK YOU!

I know I could not get through this without His help. He's my spotter, you know the one who makes sure the weights don't crush you when you're pressing dumbbells. So I know the chemo won't crush me, but He is definitely making sure I get the full workout! Imagine how buff I'm going to be spiritually when this is all over!! :-)

Chemo stinks, again!

Uuuuugggghhhh! Just so you don't start thinking after reading my blog entries that I'm feeling great, I thought I'd share my thoughts today. It's the third day after treatment and I feel miserable! My head hurts, I feel nauseous, I feel uncomfortable in my skin! I slept most of the day except when I went for a neulasta shot (this is like the neupogen that helps build white blood cells only this is supposed to last longer). I'll probably get one after the rest of my treatments. Let me say, it stings like a bugger!!! It causes the bone pain, so I feel even miserabl-er. I keep thinking, they shoot horses don't they?! At least I know it's not going to last forever, maybe just one more day (pleeaasse!). I've taken Tylenol and Aleve. But I've got some prescription painkillers leftover from my surgery and they're looking pretty yummy right about now!

I started putting up Christmas decorations on Saturday and got halfway done before the misery set in. John has been great at doing the rest and cleaning up the mess. Our house looks beautiful! So at least I get the pretty twinkling lights to cheer me up as I wallow in misery on the couch. Normally, I am a control freak who wants to do things my way . . . I am so OVER that! If the nativity scene is not set up the way I normally do it, well, okay! Because even if the sheep is placed beside the shepherd instead of beside the kings, I'm still going to feel sick!! So, yes, I've lowered my expectations for the perfect Christmas this year. My goal this year is to feel better as quickly as possible, period!

I did finally get put on the sub lists for Rachel Rose's preschool and the elementary schools nearby. I've even gotten a few calls to come in. Most of the elementary schools have people that know me (since I have taught in the system for 9 years!) and know what I'm going through. So hopefully, they will understand if I have to say no from time to time, and continue to call me later on. I am really excited about being a sub and getting back to work to some degree. Extra money is always a good thing!

By the way, please ignore that stupid, happy face in my photo on the left - it really irks me to look at it when I'm feeling this crummy!