Saturday, November 6, 2010

Scan results - good, but not clean

I talked with Beth, the nurse practitioner, yesterday afternoon about my scan results. Overrall, she said they were good. The lymph nodes in my neck and near my breast bone are cleared up. But there are still some in my abdomen that are lighting up, aka suspicious. She said Dr. S might want to biopsy them, if that's possible to do, to see what's going on there. She mentioned the possibility of more chemo (I don't think so!), but we will discuss all that at my appointment on Wednesday.

So, for all that I've been though - radiation and chemo - I am better. Just not totally in the clear. My latest CA125 blood test was at 31, in the normal range, but not as low as it was before all this started.

I don't know what "cured" is supposed to look like for me now. Maybe "cured" is no longer an option and I can only expect "controlled" or "stable" as the best result. That would be great! I just know I am READY TO BE NORMAL AGAIN! I am so over worrying about my health and future treatment! I want my hair back, I want my feet not to be numb anymore, I want to be able to climb the stairs without getting winded, I want to not get nauseated at the slightest smells, I want to be able to focus all my attention on John and the girls instead of myself . . .

No one should have to be in constant fear of not being able to live their life normally. I should be concentrating on mundane, trivial, everyday things - housework, yardwork, making dinner, reading with my kindergartner, walking my dog . . . . . Instead I'm wondering if I am going to feel like getting off the couch from day to day. I have begun to hate my couch, can't stand how it feels or how I feel lying on it. There's no place where I can relax anymore and I realize it's not the place, it's my own body I want to get out of. For 20 weeks now, my body has been torturing me.

I truly don't believe cancer is an automatic death sentence, but it is most definitely a "prison" sentence. Except, you don't get to know the length of time it will last. Ugh. In the meantime, I'll keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Will post again after dr appt on Wednesday.


DJ said...

Oh, precious girl. I know you are so disappointed. I can feel your frustration and anxiety in your message. If I could take it from you, I would. Thank God you have so much to live for. Please take care of you until this is all resolved and know that everyone that knows you loves you and is praying fervently for a complete and total CURE. You deserve normal. I know you get sick of people telling you what an inspiration you are to them, but you really are. Your fight and determination are a lesson to us all. Even in the midst of all this crap, you continue to fight. Don't ever stop fighting, even when you want to stop. I love you and need to be bringing dinner again to give you a break!

Alisha said...

Melinda- the news is not perfect but it's also not awful, right? Know that you are always in our prayers-always. I hope you get more encouraging news at your dr. visit.
Hugs sweetie!