Recommendation, no like!

Beth, the nurse practioner for Dr. S, called me this morning with the recommendation from the tumor board. Dr. S met with all the other doctors this morning and they all agreed I should change chemos. The cisplatin is too much for me. She said he would like to switch me to 2 new drugs, Avastin and Abraxane. I have heard of both of them. In fact, Mom took Abraxane when her cancer came back in 2007. It is basically taxol in a different form.

Here's the thing . . . I don't want to take the Abraxane. First, it makes your hair fall out since it's taxol-based. And second, it causes neuropathy. Mom had to stop it when her hands became too numb. Already, my feet are getting worse. It used to just be numbness in my toes. Now it has creeped into my whole foot. And my fingers. I don't want to make the neuropathy worse. It is most likely permanent where it is already. And third, I have had taxol twice now already, back in '07 and this past summer, and I still have cancer!!! I'm kinda thinking it's not working, so why keep trying it?

I explained all this to Beth and she said I could talk to Dr. S about everything. He won't be available until Thursday, so I'm just going to wait for him to call then. I don't know if it will irk him that I'm having doubts, if he will think I'm being difficult . . . probably not. He's pretty open and understanding. I just need to be on board fully with whatever treatment I'm getting. If I don't have faith in it, then it's definitely not going to work. There are lots of drugs out there that I haven't tried yet. I just need him to explain to me that it this combo is the best route. If he can convince me, then I'll be okay with it.

The hair thing is not supposed to be a big deal. I mean, what's hair when we're talking about saving my life . . . but I have to admit, it is a big deal. It will be so much easier to take the chemo and live the lifestyle if I can be normal at least part of the time. Being bald is not normal. I am really enjoying having my hair come back in. Even if it is growing back into a mohawk!!! All the waves and cowlicks make it look crazy, but it's hair! I like having hair!

So for now I'm praying for guidance and acceptance. Lord, please show me the path you have chosen for me. Guide my doctors with wisdom and compassion. Please give me peace to accept whatever is meant to be and confidence to believe it will work. I trust your will and know that I am safe in your hands. Thank you for the blessings you have given me and for this day of feeling good!