Just one more to go!

Just got back from chemo and as usual it was long and icky. I already feel a little queasy and promptly ate a lemon as soon as I walked in the door. Gonna be a rough patch for a few days now. Hope it goes by quickly.

So I have 3 weeks until my next and LAST treatment. Then a couple weeks after that, I'll get scanned again to see if I can be through or if I need more treatment. I'll say it right now, if he suggests I continue chemo I'm gonna need a straightjacket - because that will absolutely send me over the edge!!!!

But I am trusting in God to show me my path and I know he will protect me on my journey whatever it may be.

I'm attaching a picture for your enjoyment. Rachel Rose drew it - it's me and her and Penny, the dog! Don't you like my scarf!!

By the way, we are looking for a home for our other dog, Cisco. He and Penny together are just too much for me to handle. I'll attach his picture, too. Please feel free to pass his photos around along with my email, young1710@comcast.net

Thanks so much! Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall weather!

Plugging along . . .

Good news - my CA125 cancer marker is down. It is now 34.5 which is technically in the normal range! It has been as low as 6, so I don't think I'll feel totally reassured until it gets lower. But for now, it's something to celebrate. I wish I could say I felt great, but not so much. I cannot STAND chemo!!! My last treatment was Thursday and I was nauseous the whole time I was getting infused. I'm beginning to think it's a psychological thing because the minute I enter the the building, the wave hits. I can't even stand to watch the same shows that I normally watch during treatment. I used to enjoy "The Doctors" while I was in the chair. But now, even on normal days when I'm home, if I happen to see it while I'm channel surfing, a nausea wave hits. Even the bag I carry on chemo days has to be hidden away or it triggers me. I will be SO GLAD when I never have to have chemo EVER AGAIN!

This last treatment was number 8, but technically it was 4th in the 6-round series. I only have 2 more to go, which would seem like nothing. But uuuggghhhh, I can't think about it right now! I had the chemo on Thursday and Friday was okay in the afternoon, then in the evening the ickies hit. I had to have a Neulasta shot to keep my white counts from dropping and it has given me horrible leg aches. I'm still dealing with those. So Saturday and Sunday were spent writhing on the couch trying to get comfortable, making a mess in the kitchen trying to find foods that tasted normal, and popping pills to try and stay asleep. Thankfully, Mom and Jan took the girls for me and they actually got to enjoy the long weekend. Monday wasn't much better, but Tuesday things started looking up. Finally, today I am able to eat in small portions and not gag, and more importantly, drink something. It has been horrible to be so thirsty, but not able to taste anything good. Water with lemon is about all I can swallow. Unbelievably, though, I'm gaining weight! Something about chemo makes you blow up!! Bleh!!

Sorry for all the whining. It's just hard to stay positive at this point in the process. Chemo has a cumulative effect, so by now I'm pretty much hitting rock bottom. Even good days are dampened by the impending doom of the next treatment. I'm going to try to stay in the moment and appreciate the good stuff, not think about the bad. I need some mental endurance - cancer is more than the physical.

But I do want to continue saying thanks to everyone who is helping me out and is offering to help! I hate to think where I would be without my supporters!!

Chemo delay

Yesterday was my scheduled chemo treatment. But when I got there I was told my white blood cell counts were too low. So they gave me a Neupogen shot to help build them back up, and chemo is rescheduled for Thursday. So much for my attempt at having an ick-free weekend! It seems I'm always feeling worst on the the weekends and since John is away at work, the girls are stuck home with me not feeling like doing anything fun. I feel so bad for them. Just this morning, Caroline was saying she was sad we didn't get to go to the beach this summer. I told her I was sad, too, just as much as she was. But we didn't know I was going to get cancer and it was going to ruin everything!

Plus, I was planning to teach next week. I've been visiting the classroom to get to know the kids, and they are such sweeties! I was all prepared to work. But now, I'm not going to be feeling better in time. Maybe the week after, I can work some.

And! the Neupogen shot makes my bones hurt since it stimulates the bone marrow to make more white blood cells. My head, legs, shoulders, back, all ache. At least, Motrin works for these pains. Maybe it means that my white count is coming up and I'll be able to get the treatment on Thursday. yipppee.

And, and! John is not going to be able to come home for a week and with the ickies, I won't feel like going up to see him. Not even to meet halfway for dinner together (I tried that once with the ickies and it was terrible!). We all miss him when he's gone that long.

So, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Not proud of it, but there it is. Maybe tomorrow I can look on the bright side.

The deed is done!

So, last night we buzzed my hair. John did actually. It really was time and I really was ready. We all gathered in the bathroom and did the deed. It took a while and made a huge mess (which John cleaned up, bless his heart). I do still have stubble left. I heard that it's not a good idea to clean shave it, irritated skin or something, so we used a #1 guard. It really was thin so there's not a lot of stubble. I guess the length was hiding most of the bald spots. But it does feel fuzzy. The girls have had fun rubbing it. They took it pretty well. Both were not happy when I told them it was time to do it. I think Caroline is at the age that being embarrassed is a huge deal. She has made a few comments that I will wear a hat or scarf in public, especially at her school. And, of course, I will. Rachel Rose just said, "Oh, I hate it when Mommy has to do this!" Like it's a routine occurrence! I just hate that they have to have a sick mommy who looks like this. But then isn't it part of a Mom's duty to embarrass her kids! I think I win this award!

So, now I have to get down the bag o'scarves from the storage closet. Never thought I would have to see those again! Maybe I'll get some new ones, just so it doesn't seem like I'm repeating the past. This is a new experience, I should embrace it! Let the New Adventures of Melinda Young, Cancer Patient begin!

Today's the day! Buzzzzz . . . .

Yep, I'm feelin' it - today is The Day. I'm ready. Getting the clippers out, I'll probably need scissors first, broom/dust pan. It's gonna happen Today. It is time. Hair is everywhere. Each time I touch my head, I get a handful. Gross, messy, I'm ready. Yep . . . I am redd-eee! At least, I think so . . . no, I know so! Really, it's time. I mean, it's gonna happen no matter what. I can shave it or let it sprinkle out all over my house. Even if I do have the length still in the back. The top is sick-looking. It needs to be done, it is time. I'm almost sure I am ready. I could let it go another few days, maybe a week. I can still wear a hat to cover the top and the bottom looks like my hair is still normal. With a hat, I don't look like a cancer patient. Just a chick having a bad hair day. I could still be me for a few more days . . . . . but, (deep breath) I gotta do it. At some point, I will be bald, no way around it. Do I begin bald today? Am I really, really ready? Maybe tomorrow should be The Day, hmmm . . . . . I hate cancer!

Still feeling good

I went back to Dr. Levitt, the rad dr, and I thought he was going to do a scan of my neck. But apparently, it was just a follow-up appt to see how the rad side effects were doing. The sore throat is MUCH better, the skin is healed just darker than before, and the eye is the same. He said I may be stuck with the wonky eye. I told him I didn't mind the not sweating part or the small pupil, it's the droopy lid that bugs me. It affects my vision on that side a little bit. He said there are procedures they can do to correct the lid like tightening the muscle or inserting weights (what? weightlifting for my eyelid? not sure about that one!). If it doesn't get any better, I'll consider doing something to fix it. What I would really like is to have a big one-time procedure with a plastic surgeon - get my eye done, my belly scar fixed, a little liposuction, tummy tuck, nose tweaked . . . would insurance pay for all that??

Dr. Levitt did mention that it is still early to see the full results of radiation. He will wait on Dr. Salmieri's scans that I'll get once chemo is done. Then he will decide if I need more radiation. I told him I appreciate the offer of more radiation, but I respectfully decline. He just laughed. No, man, I'm serious! Zap me anymore and I'll become human bacon!!

So, the plan now is to just keep on keeping on. I'll still get blood tests to monitor my CA125 and I'll still see Dr. S once a month . . . and I'll still have chemo, bleh. After 3 more treatments, 9 more weeks, I'll probably wait another couple of weeks and then have a scan to see where I'm at. Nothing to do until then except keep the faith and keep my chin up.

I'm feeling great now. Except for the fatigue and constant hair drizzle, I could forget I have cancer. Almost makes me feel guilty for accepting all the yummy dinners from everybody! Almost!

One thing I've been thinking about, and no judgments here , is getting a tattoo. Not on any obvious part of my body, just on my head. The back of my head! Being bald is such a unique opportunity, not an everyday occurrence, I'd like to commemorate it with something. Something that will show while I'm bald, but will be covered up when my hair grows back. Something that sort of displays my cancer experience while I'm having it, but then stays hidden and private when I'm done. What do you think? I'm crazy, right?! No? Thanks for not judging!

So if anyone has a suggestion of what kind of tattoo I should get, feel free to chime in. I want something small (less painful!) that is meaningful, pretty, and not a ribbon! Nothing against ribbons, I enjoy wearing them as pins and pendants and all. They are a very common symbol for cancer and I guess I just don't want my tattoo to be common. Maybe even a word or short phrase, keyword SHORT (less painful!) would be good . . . like "If you are reading this, please help me find my wig!" Ha, ha!!

New Hat

Just wanted to share a pic of me in my new hat.

Cute, huh! It's gotten to where I don't go out in public without a hat. My hair is so thin now that you can see bald spots on the top. Ewww! Like I've said before, I don't want to look like a diseased dog so it's time to start the hat parade! I really like this style, called the "cadet cap". It's like an uptown version of the baseball cap. So far, I've got two of them. I think it looks better with some hair hanging out the bottom, so I may wait to shave it all off for a little longer. The problem is the falling out process. There is hair everywhere!!! Ewww again! At least it's long enough to be able to pick most of it off my clothes and pillow. But when it falls down my arm, I keep thinking there's a spider crawling on me! Which I honestly would prefer (sigh), it's no fun losing your hair. And once it's all gone, there's no way I can deny what I'm going through. I mean, really, how many women are bald for the fun of it! Bald head = cancer patient, period. So far, I've been able to pass as normal and it's been nice not having the "C" front and center every waking moment of my day. I can't stand the pity and the awkwardness. It's like I'll be having a regular conversation, but if I mention that I'm going through chemo I turn into an alien with three heads. People seem shocked that I'm walking around upright and not on my deathbed. And then they feel uncomfortable which makes me feel like I need to reassure them I'm okay. Which I may not be at that particular moment. It's just such a personal thing to have to deal with on such a public level. Most of the time, I'm open and direct with everything, not too worried about sharing. But it has been nice to be able to keep it to myself if I choose to. Not for long . . .

On the other hand, playing the cancer card can have its advantages. I think what I'll start doing once the hair is gone and I'm officially "out of the closet", I'll keep a list of all the perks I've gotten from having cancer. That could be fun! I remember my first chemo go-round, I got John out of a speeding ticket when the officer saw me in the passenger seat without my scarf. Bonus!! Wonder what I can score this time around . . . hee, hee, hee! I'll keep you posted!