Feeling more hopeful

I had my appt today with Dr. Salmieri today and I'm feeling a little more hopeful. He explained that the lymph nodes lighting up in my abdomen are not new, they were there originally. And they are going away. They may just need a little more time to get rid of entirely. Or, they may need more chemo (blech!!). I am going for a biopsy tomorrow to see if they are "necrotic" meaning dying, or if they are still active. After those results, Dr. S said he would feel more confident about making a decision regarding my future treatments (or lack thereof!!).

He said there is a possibility of radiation to those nodes, specifically the "cyberknife." But, since the nodes are right in the center of my chest/top of my stomach, the radiation would have to go through some major organs and I might have some bad effects. If it's anything like my throat was, I might want to pass on the radiation. He said one patient of his had part of her intestines burned away and had to have general surgery to resect them - yikes!

So it's more wait and see. The biopsy results will take a few days, so I probably won't find anything out until after the weekend.

Scan results - good, but not clean

I talked with Beth, the nurse practitioner, yesterday afternoon about my scan results. Overrall, she said they were good. The lymph nodes in my neck and near my breast bone are cleared up. But there are still some in my abdomen that are lighting up, aka suspicious. She said Dr. S might want to biopsy them, if that's possible to do, to see what's going on there. She mentioned the possibility of more chemo (I don't think so!), but we will discuss all that at my appointment on Wednesday.

So, for all that I've been though - radiation and chemo - I am better. Just not totally in the clear. My latest CA125 blood test was at 31, in the normal range, but not as low as it was before all this started.

I don't know what "cured" is supposed to look like for me now. Maybe "cured" is no longer an option and I can only expect "controlled" or "stable" as the best result. That would be great! I just know I am READY TO BE NORMAL AGAIN! I am so over worrying about my health and future treatment! I want my hair back, I want my feet not to be numb anymore, I want to be able to climb the stairs without getting winded, I want to not get nauseated at the slightest smells, I want to be able to focus all my attention on John and the girls instead of myself . . .

No one should have to be in constant fear of not being able to live their life normally. I should be concentrating on mundane, trivial, everyday things - housework, yardwork, making dinner, reading with my kindergartner, walking my dog . . . . . Instead I'm wondering if I am going to feel like getting off the couch from day to day. I have begun to hate my couch, can't stand how it feels or how I feel lying on it. There's no place where I can relax anymore and I realize it's not the place, it's my own body I want to get out of. For 20 weeks now, my body has been torturing me.

I truly don't believe cancer is an automatic death sentence, but it is most definitely a "prison" sentence. Except, you don't get to know the length of time it will last. Ugh. In the meantime, I'll keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Will post again after dr appt on Wednesday.

Time for scans . . . and prayers!

Tomorrow, Tuesday, is my scan day! I'll be having a PET scan and CT scans. The PET is a fully body scan used to detect high metabolic activity, aka cancer. Areas of suspicion will light up like Christmas tree lights. I'm hoping for that typical strand of dead lights! Not a good thing for decorating a tree, but perfect for cancer detection!

I have my next appt with Dr. S a week from tomorrow. I'm hoping to get the results before then, ideally before the weekend. Will post as soon as I know. Of course, I appreciate constant prayers until then!

Dear Lord, I pray for complete healing and permanent recovery. Your power and grace are infinite and I know that You can do miracles. I turn all my worry over to You and trust that You will make me well. I know You can make it happen and I believe.

Dehydration evil

So I had my treatment on Monday. Supposedly my last one. It went pretty well. I slept through most of it which is always a good thing. Tuesday, Mom came over to help with the girls and spend the night. I took advantage of the extra help and stayed asleep as much as possible. Normally, this would be a good thing, but I ended up not staying hydrated. In fact, I barely ate or drank anything for two days. So Wednesday afternoon, I got up from a long nap and went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I was filling up the glass I could feel myself blacking out, sort of like a head rush. I made my way to the kitchen table and sat down, then apparently I slumped over and was out. Mom was downstairs doing some laundry and she saw me going down. When I didn't wake up, she called 911. I had spilled the water and she started putting ice on the back of my neck. I roused up and finally came to before the EMT's arrived. I was pretty sure my blood sugar had dropped and I'd had a serious head rush from being asleep so long. But the EMT's suggested I go to the hospital to get checked out since I had never done anything like this before. So off we went . . . in the ambulance. Thank goodness, they did not run the sirens.
At the hospital, they did a test to see if I was dehydrated. They had me lie down flat and took my blood pressure. It was fine. Then they had me sit up and they took it again. Still fine. Then they had me stand up and took it again. I was barely able to stand long enough for them to take it before I got woozy again and really nauseous. When they did get a reading, it was like 60/30. So apparently, I was dehydrated! They ended up giving me 2 liters of fluids and told me I would've kept passing out every time I stood up if I hadn't come in to the ER.
They also did a CAT scan of my head to make sure there was nothing wrong with my brain causing me to lose consciousness. Thankfully, it checked out fine. Seriously, it did!
So I finally got to come home after they did the standing test again and I passed. John came home and was there with me. Jan came over before he could get there. And mom stayed home to get the girls for me. I think I scared her pretty bad. My poor mother . . . what she has to go through with herself and now with me!
Today I'm feeling okay, just typical weakness and naseau from the chemo. This is supposed to be my last treatment, but when I went to see Dr. S last week, he tried to tell me that I would need two more treatments. He explained that the normal course is 6 rounds of every three weeks. Since I began with 2 weekly rounds, they wouldn't count toward the 6. I don't think so! We're going to do a PET scan in a couple of weeks and see where we stand. If it's good, then I get to stop. So I am praying, and praying, and praying! These treatments are getting worse every time. They have a cumulative effect and I hate to think how bad it could get if I had to have any more. Will keep you posted soon!

Not much is new

Not too much new is happening with me . . . we did find a new home for Cisco and so we are down to one dog, Penny. We've been able to keep her inside and it's working out really well. She's a sweetheart!

I made it through the ickies of my last treatment and went back to work this past week. I am fighting a chest cold of some kind and have had a horrible cough the past few days. I had to leave work early on Thursday and then Friday was pretty miserable. But today is Saturday and I plan on resting up this weekend, so I'll be good to go for next week. One more week of work, then one more week off for treatment, then I should be able to start back to normal.

The girls and I have been enjoying this great weather and getting ready for Halloween. So far we have watched Halloweentown I, Halloweentown II, and Halloweentown High . . . AND they are all on DVR so I'm sure we'll be watching them quite a bit more!!! Gotta love the Disney Channel! John is still in NC until December, but we are planning to go up and visit next weekend. We have only been able to go up twice this season, normally we go up every weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing the mountains in the fall, they never fail to impress!

Well, our objective today is to find Halloween costumes . . . if there are any left! Wish us luck!!

Just one more to go!

Just got back from chemo and as usual it was long and icky. I already feel a little queasy and promptly ate a lemon as soon as I walked in the door. Gonna be a rough patch for a few days now. Hope it goes by quickly.

So I have 3 weeks until my next and LAST treatment. Then a couple weeks after that, I'll get scanned again to see if I can be through or if I need more treatment. I'll say it right now, if he suggests I continue chemo I'm gonna need a straightjacket - because that will absolutely send me over the edge!!!!

But I am trusting in God to show me my path and I know he will protect me on my journey whatever it may be.

I'm attaching a picture for your enjoyment. Rachel Rose drew it - it's me and her and Penny, the dog! Don't you like my scarf!!

By the way, we are looking for a home for our other dog, Cisco. He and Penny together are just too much for me to handle. I'll attach his picture, too. Please feel free to pass his photos around along with my email, young1710@comcast.net

Thanks so much! Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall weather!

Plugging along . . .

Good news - my CA125 cancer marker is down. It is now 34.5 which is technically in the normal range! It has been as low as 6, so I don't think I'll feel totally reassured until it gets lower. But for now, it's something to celebrate. I wish I could say I felt great, but not so much. I cannot STAND chemo!!! My last treatment was Thursday and I was nauseous the whole time I was getting infused. I'm beginning to think it's a psychological thing because the minute I enter the the building, the wave hits. I can't even stand to watch the same shows that I normally watch during treatment. I used to enjoy "The Doctors" while I was in the chair. But now, even on normal days when I'm home, if I happen to see it while I'm channel surfing, a nausea wave hits. Even the bag I carry on chemo days has to be hidden away or it triggers me. I will be SO GLAD when I never have to have chemo EVER AGAIN!

This last treatment was number 8, but technically it was 4th in the 6-round series. I only have 2 more to go, which would seem like nothing. But uuuggghhhh, I can't think about it right now! I had the chemo on Thursday and Friday was okay in the afternoon, then in the evening the ickies hit. I had to have a Neulasta shot to keep my white counts from dropping and it has given me horrible leg aches. I'm still dealing with those. So Saturday and Sunday were spent writhing on the couch trying to get comfortable, making a mess in the kitchen trying to find foods that tasted normal, and popping pills to try and stay asleep. Thankfully, Mom and Jan took the girls for me and they actually got to enjoy the long weekend. Monday wasn't much better, but Tuesday things started looking up. Finally, today I am able to eat in small portions and not gag, and more importantly, drink something. It has been horrible to be so thirsty, but not able to taste anything good. Water with lemon is about all I can swallow. Unbelievably, though, I'm gaining weight! Something about chemo makes you blow up!! Bleh!!

Sorry for all the whining. It's just hard to stay positive at this point in the process. Chemo has a cumulative effect, so by now I'm pretty much hitting rock bottom. Even good days are dampened by the impending doom of the next treatment. I'm going to try to stay in the moment and appreciate the good stuff, not think about the bad. I need some mental endurance - cancer is more than the physical.

But I do want to continue saying thanks to everyone who is helping me out and is offering to help! I hate to think where I would be without my supporters!!